So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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