my phone needs a breathalizer
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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