I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize