she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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