I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
