How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
