Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
