It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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