Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
