never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
