so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?