I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
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it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
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Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream