Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
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Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
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Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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