Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.