Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I checked into jail on foursquare
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
We had to coat check the pizza.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace