So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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