the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
