I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
