remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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