happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
