hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
