Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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