FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
