Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
