Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
