OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
