He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
