it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
