He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
