Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
