Tell her she can't have a vagina
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
