I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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