i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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