I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...