Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.