mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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