I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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