Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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