If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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