Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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