we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
