the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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