Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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