Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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