it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
