I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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