YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
