Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
