I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
