Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
