My liver just broke up with me...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
