im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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