wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
