So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
