Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
