I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
