her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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