guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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