I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
