Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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