i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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