the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
