last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
