guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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