He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
